at acting, that is. I have never been good at hiding my true feelings. And that is what I am trying desperately to learn to do now--ACT like everything is okay around Stephen. I am glad when he leaves for work and when he falls asleep at night because it is during those times I am free to be honest about how sad I am.
I scan the job listings at AOL Careerbuilder and Yahoo Hotjobs and Monster.com and I don't see much I qualify for. It is discouraging. The things I do qualify for don't pay a heck of a lot and so it seems tragic to me to ask me to leave my kids and my home and stick them in before and after school child care in exchange for maybe a few hundred dollars a week.
My prayers are just short desperate-sounding sentences like:
Help me, God.
You couldn't possibly want this for us.
Teach me how to pray about this.
Help me with my attitude.
Change Stephen's mind.
Please reveal Yourself to me in this.
I want more than anything to be obedient to God. I said before that I know He calls me to submit to my husband. And I believe that if I will do what Stephen is asking me to do, God will reward my obedience. So if I believe those things, why am I having so much trouble acting on it?
I know that the key is for me to keep my focus on God...on His Sovereignty...His love for me...His past faithfulness to me...
I have a friend who keeps texting me Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11. And I am grateful. Because to be very honest, I have been feeling like God is punishing me for not being a faithful steward of my time and my home...like He's taking it all away from me because I have not been such a good representative of Him in these areas. So when I get a text or an email from one of my friends, I try to look at it like a reassuring hug from God. And I am praying that He would direct me to more promises in His Word (like the ones above) that I can cling to right now. Are there any that have helped you through a difficult time that you could share with me?
May I ask you to please pray that God would be glorified in this situation? Pray also that I will trust Him completely. After all, He's never once let me down.
"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" -Mark 9:24